Whats not to be feeling wonderful for

So today.. Today is my payroll manger's last day at work. She will be switching jobs. So, just before her meeting starts with one of us, all of us ambush her in the meeting room without her knowing about it. Gave her the gift and card.. She gave us a fairly awesome speech. And she dropped the bomb! SHe's PREGNANT!!! so what we were thinking about all this while were kind true. That aside, we are all truly happy for her. Me? I am very happy and delighted o hear such joy. She will be embracing a huge bundle of joy. She was a great leader. SOmeone I was confortable working with since I first got into this shift. Knowing I was new and not entirely pleased with the change arrangement, she made sure I was satisfied, well prepared and trained to face all the challenges. Alhamdulillah, under her guidance I manage to take responsibility for my work and client and their employees get their right pay. Syukur.. I wouldn't wished for other previous manager to guide me through this. I am happy she was the one. With all the patience she has to not only entertain my never stoppable queries, but also from other colleagues, I am able to perform my job with the smallest possible error I could manage. Yes, she is not Muslim. But Allah, I hope she's protected in the face of Earth and may her baby be borned healthy and happy. May she be blessed with all the goods.. Current mood for today: I am ecstatic. Alhamdulillah for this wonderful news that she has proudly shared with all of us and the fact that I got good marks so far for this semester. Syukur.

I am just unhappy about certain things

You know, life isn’t always beautiful, isn’t always as fair, isn’t always as easy as we want it to be.. Someone told me to ‘keep my head up high and my ego down low’ Have I been too egoistic for other people’s liking? Is my ego the reason why I drive people away and why I always don’t get what I want? Is it really because of my ego? Is it really? I have always wanted an easy happy life but we are no fairy tale. There is never an easy life. It could be if you are living alone. I can accept that life isn’t always easy. But I find it terribly difficult to accept the fact that it is so hard for me to stay happy with the people I love who claim love me. Yea, I am laughing, smiling, making jokes out of things but again, why? I am tired of making people angry, I am tired of having people make me angry (not that I can help it). I am tired of always pretending that my heart and feeling is intact but actually its breaking a lot. I can’t help but think that I am desperately only trying to make myself happy. What exactly constitute happiness? I have no freaking idea anymore. All I’ve been trying to do is put everyone in front of me and catering to what they want and need first. Trying to protect and take care of everyone. So now, where do I stand? Behind everyone? Sometimes I am too busy trying to please everyone that I forgot that I have a life too. I am not saying that no one ever thought about me. No. My parents tried to gave me everything I need and I never once hated them for anything they do for me. I never hated them for all the scolding and nagging. In fact I am very grateful they brought me up the way they do. If there’s one thing I want to change about it is I wished they were stricter. Then I would maybe be a successful daughter and being. I may have a mountain high ego but that’s just because I dun want to be a push-over. That’s just because I want to be able to be as strong as I thought I am. If I am insecure about someone that means I love you too much to let any possible things take you away. If I am not, that means I trust you so much to behave and never let me down. I dun know. Maybe how I think differs a lot from all the other girls. Well, to begin with, only guys have a mountain-high ego... But then again, I am who I am and nothing could possibly change me in and out... I can tone it down for you. Only if I think you are worth it.